"DADDY ISSUES"

Why does everything have to mean SO much? Like when I’m hurt, I get angry, its not because I'm actually feeling anger. What I’m feeling is small, childish, ..desperate. Desperate to be heard because I was always ignored, desperate to be loved because I was always despised, desperate to be accepted because I was always rejected…desperate to be kept because I was always left..And yanno, desperation makes some of the best people do the most despicable things. But I’m not even despicable in my desperation, I’m angry. Angry that I’m even having to feel these feelings again. Angry at every single person that every made me feel desperate.  And it all comes out in this vindictive ball of awfulness.. because if I’m going to hurt then FUCK, you need to hurt too!!

 But then...

I get sad sometimes, so sad. I don’t always have a reason and when I do, its usually really dumb, well, on the surface it's dumb, but it hits something deep. And it's so heart breaking. I try to laugh, and I might even get out of it for a second but it sucks me right back in. When I know I just know. Every now and then I'm dead ass wrong and surprise myself, but most of the time I’m right. I’m about to be used, or abused, lied to, or let down, or my heart is about to be broken into a million tiny pieces. The perpetrator sometimes doesn’t even see it coming, hell I use to not but I started noticing. And that’s where I fucked myself. Now I don’t know how to not see it, so I’m literally watching my life, or my heart, or my well being crashing down in flames and I’m not suppose to try to mess with the outcome? I’m not suppose to say "HEY STOP WE DO THIS AND ITS GOING TO HURT??" I just go with it most of the time, without saying a word and then don’t know if I’m the one that fucked this up by being a coward. And if I don’t go with it, take the chance and scream the truth from the top of my lungs, once again how am I suppose to know if I’m the one that fucked up. KNOWING ALL THESE THINGS IS AWFUL its draining, and it makes me so frustrated. I guess everything hits at once, one emotion is tied to another and for good reasons obviously. This sadness is so hopeless, careless, and heavy that I would do anything to escape it at its strongest…anything. I guess you could say, I have some daddy issues.